Trust is something that must be earned in a relationship over time. Whether you’re interacting with a spouse, partner, or friend, trust develops over a series of incidences where promises are kept and both people are able to become more vulnerable and open. This type of trust is crucial to building and maintaining a strong relationship. Without it, the foundation of the relationship crumbles, and suspicion, doubt, and hurt can take its place.
Fixing Trust Issues
If you’re looking to fix trust issues in a relationship, especially due to porn addiction, you’ll need to invest time and effort. Like planting a seed and watching it grow, it takes patience to allow trust to be fostered in any relationship after it has been compromised. Regaining trust may feel like you’re starting over completely in your relationship, but it is the most important part of a healthy relationship.
How to Rebuild Trust
Partners of someone with a porn addiction can feel intense betrayal and trauma. In many ways, porn addiction is a form of cheating, since it’s an avenue for sexual arousal with someone other than your spouse, girlfriend, or boyfriend. To rebuild trust in a relationship, act as if you’ve cheated on your significant other. This is the level of seriousness required to fix the betrayal that comes along with porn addiction.
On the flip side, the person with the porn addiction may feel guilt and shame for their actions. Both the porn addict and the partner can benefit from practicing steps to stabilize the relationship, including:
- Stay connected through communication.
- Understand addiction and the trauma of betrayal.
- Find a support group.
- Create a recovery plan together.
Rebuilding Trust After Lying
Those with a porn addiction usually have to lie to keep their addiction a secret. If you’re looking to rebuild trust in a relationship after lying, you’ll need to recommit to being completely truthful going forward. You’ll need to take full responsibility for your actions and ask forgiveness for your wrongdoings. To show a sincere change of heart moving forward, you’ll also need to set new boundaries that demonstrate recommitment to truthfulness. These boundaries might include transparency with email and cell phones, setting internet restrictions, and more.
Rebuilding Trust in Marriage
Marriage is a sacred space where spouses should feel total trust and commitment to each other. When that trust is removed, it can be a long road to rebuild. But when both parties want to put in the effort, it can be done. Spouses of porn addicts can help to rebuild trust by educating themselves about the issue and providing support to new habits. Both partners should establish a self-care routine and seek counseling to deal with the grief and pain.
How Long Will It Take?
Rebuilding trust in marriage does not have a specific timeline. This will be a non-linear path with many ups and downs. If you’re seeking to rebuild trust with a spouse or other loved one, you should not compare yourselves to anyone else. The path to trust is completely dependent on your personalities and specific life experiences. Be patient if progress seems to slow or has dips and turns along the way.
Tools for Moving Forward
No matter the reason for building trust in a relationship, there are basic tools that can help facilitate positive change. Even when the path seems impossible, using these tools will improve your situation:
- Forgiveness: If you’ve destroyed trust due to porn addiction, you must first ask forgiveness of your spouse or partner. In turn, they need to offer forgiveness back to be able to move forward in a more trusting relationship.
- Communication: You’ll never learn how to regain trust in a relationship without having good communication skills. Foster a relationship where neither of you are afraid to share even your deepest thoughts and feelings. Avoid accusatory or hostile conversations.
- Action plan: Rebuilding trust in a relationship requires an action plan. Make sure you make the plan with your significant other. Both of you should have input regarding boundaries and expectations moving forward.
- Honesty: Of course, trust cannot be built without honesty. If you’re wondering how to regain trust in a relationship after lying, start by telling the truth. You’ll need to have a steady track record of honesty for quite a while before your partner can start to trust again.
- Connection: Once you’ve started on the road back to trust, you need to find ways to genuinely reconnect with your partner. This will foster love and positive feelings in your relationship once again. Connect by talking, doing things you love together, and performing acts of love.
- Follow through: Rebuilding trust starts by doing what you say you will do. Follow through on promises, no matter how big or small. This is the foundation of trust in a relationship.
- Patience: Inevitably, there will be bumps and setbacks along the way as you strive to rebuild trust in a relationship. Both partners will need to practice patience and grant each other mercy.
Therapy for Couples and Individuals
Sometimes rebuilding trust is easier with the help of a third party. A therapist or counselor can help identify areas that need change and offer professional advice to improve relationships. Couples’ therapy is particularly beneficial to help rebuild trust in the marriage since it allows partners to have a tool for improved communication. If a partner is unwilling to join in on therapy, individual counseling can still be beneficial.
Open Communication
If there was only one way to rebuild trust, it could be boiled down to open communication. When two people are able to keep channels of communication open, their relationship will flourish. There are many ways you can improve communication with a spouse or other loved one. Communication is truly a skill that needs to be honed over time. Some of the keys to better communication include spending more time listening, taking more time to formulate a response, and recapping what you think the other person is saying.
Healthy Boundaries
Adding secure limits will improve any relationship and foster trust. Boundaries can bring security and make both partners feel in better control. These rules and limits protect the relationship by adding clear expectations and giving both partners ownership of their actions. Going to bed at the same time or setting up a weekly evaluation are some healthy boundaries that can rebuild trust after porn addiction.
Download the LifeStar Therapy eBook
If you or someone you love is seeking to rebuild trust in a relationship after porn addiction, LifeStar Therapy can help. LifeStar’s intensive outpatient program has helped countless individuals recover from sexual addiction of all kinds. Download our free eBook to get on the path to healing trust and relationships in your life.